What Channel Is The Football Game Come On Tonight Teeing Off on TV Golf

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Teeing Off on TV Golf

My local cable company recently started carrying the golf channel. I can only assume it’s because it can dry up for more stimulating programming like the Knitting Network or Color TV.

I just don’t understand why anyone would waste valuable time watching clown pants “athletes” chase an oversized cue ball around a large pool table. Maybe if they piled the water hazard with live piranhas and forced golfers to catch their errant shots, I’d consider tuning in.

I find it more productive to spend a Sunday afternoon sprawled across my La-Z-Boy watching football while drinking beer and singing the theme song to The Brady Bunch.

But there is a way to make televised golf at least as entertaining as the latest episode of Masterpiece Theatre. Instead of the PGA or the US Open, all the networks have to do is broadcast a typical Saturday hacker excursion to the links.

I’m talking about those weekend duffers who take golf to a whole new level by playing with the reckless swing typically seen in the NFL, NHL, or during daily outings. I’m not sure if it’s due to a genuine passion for the game or two cases of Budweiser consumed in a round.

I can only imagine what those typical golf broadcasters would say if they called one of these horrible rounds. Here are some potential quotes from the telecast with golf legends Bogey Vance and Hook Driver commentating:

Hole 2

Bogey: Well Hook, it looks like Jackson just popped his fifth beer and we’re only on the second hole.

Hook: That’s right Bogey, I’m not sure how he does it. He puts those Budweisers on the buffet table like John Goodman. I wonder if he can complete the cycle.

Hole 6

Bogey: Jackson just chipped his tee shot into the woods for his fifth consecutive hole-in-one – a new course record!

Hook: What a wonderful round! Jackson is well on his way to surpassing his all-time worst score. Wait, what is she doing in the woods? Will he get out of his grip?

Bogey: No Hook, I think he’s going to pass out… God! I can’t believe what he’s doing with that tree! Oh, the humanity!… Um, we’re right back after that word TeePees – the only adult diaper designed specifically for golfers. Remember – the worse you play, the more TeePees you need – the diapers of the heroes.

Hole 14

Hook: Greeley seems to have taken over driving the cart from Jackson – he didn’t have it today.

Bogey: That’s right Hook. I saw this backfire on the eleventh hole when Jackson drove the cart into the gallery. Boy, that crowd sure attended in a hurry. It was like Moses in the Red Sea.

Hook: Oh, no—Peterson threw his shade in despair for the sixth time today. Look out! It’s heading straight for us! You better — (THUD!)

Bogey: We’ll be right back with ClubHead – the only pain reliever made specifically for golfers…. MEDIC!

Hole 18

Bogey: After 12 hours, we go to the final hole and only two golfers and an announcer are still standing. Darkness comes and the cycle of mercy ends.

Wait, don’t look now, but it looks like Jackson is coming and…what is he doing? He tries to drive the cart again! He’s heading straight for the water… he’s in the water! I’m sure they can get him out in time – those piranhas look hungry.

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