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10 Reasons Why I Hate Football
Fellow Americans, before you sign my obituary, know that I’m talking about American football, known to the rest of the world as soccer. So relax – it’s not good – I’m just kidding at football!
I was watching Euro 2008 on TV, although I can’t tell which games have already been played (filmed anyone?). Well, I don’t know any of the teams, players or coaches, so ignorance is bliss.
After watching a few key games (as told to me by the announcers) and eating a few slices of pizza and cheap American beer, I came to the following conclusion: Football stinks.
I actually played soccer for years. Sports are fun during your childhood, but somehow the pleasant, family atmosphere turns into a boring and violent theater filled with male drama queens. Over the years I’ve watched Olympic soccer, the World Cup, and some Bundesliga games (when I was young we had great cable channels).
Let me repeat: Football stinks. I literally wanted to kill myself while watching good football games. So without further ado, I humbly present 10 reasons why I hate soccer:
1. Drunk fans
In American football stadiums, we actually serve beer and drinks before the end of the game. When will the European and Latin American stadiums turn off the juice? I have NO money.
If I wanted to see drunken, violent Europeans in action, I’d put on a Dodgers cap, grab some pink Polo shorts and some Nike sneakers and head to an English pub. Or maybe attend a Prodigy concert in Berlin.
American sports fans make their mark. We cook tail gate and hamburger. We bring our family and play catch with our children. We also eat ice cream and leave the games early to beat the traffic.
Football fans around the world are mad at each other. Period. I can’t say I blame them. After ninety minutes of back and forth and beer in the hot sun, I was probably giving my best friend hell. Football fans are ticking time bombs waiting to explode.
And by the way, when European fans paint their faces and then riot, I’m reminded of the brutal battle scenes in Braveheart. Maybe the world soccer teams need cute mascots to lower their testosterone. Miami Dolphins anyone?
If you don’t finish your taxes and miss the action, you’ll be watching a boring sporting event. Football has the lowest score of any sport in the history of the world. blow Running. Autumn. Repeat.
I cannot deny the physical skills of world class footballers. However, when this skill is spread over ninety minutes, one word comes to mind: BORING. Soccer clinics are more fun than the actual games.
3. Free kicks
Let me be honest – you run ninety minutes and then if it’s tied at the whistle, you don’t play extra time? Are you kidding? Penalties are unfair and unusual. Team play is reduced to individual effort in a completely different format. Must be beer. If extra time was allowed, the fans would have fainted.
4. Women (or lack thereof)
Have you ever noticed that there are not enough women in the presence? Football is male dominance at its best. How can there be a family atmosphere when women don’t come to the games? I think men plan it that way. Maybe a football game is a great male bonding workshop. Fill with beer, mayhem and boredom.
5. Third World Success
Many third world countries are very good at soccer. For those economists out there, think low barriers to entry. All the youngsters need is a ball (or something close to it), a dirt or grass field, and some friends. Maybe that’s why football has become a part of the lives of many people in the third world. Unlike material wealth, football skills are easily acquired and careers, as footballers, are available to the best talents, regardless of income.
In contrast, Americans love sports that require high-tech training, nutritionists, and expensive equipment. Think of American football, baseball or hockey. We excel in a sport where our endless resources dominate global competition. Football is an exception, that’s why we don’t like this sport and make very unusual teams. All our real athletes play other sports!
I used to think hockey players were the worst athletes on the planet. Watching football changed my mind.
Football players are wicked and talented people. This creates a dangerous combination. Clips as weapons, goalposts as battering rams, fists as clubs – get it? At least provide some protection for these guys – maybe a helmet or stick would help. Perhaps gamers need an outlet for their endless antics. I think their aggression is heightened by standing in a hot arena for ninety minutes in front of thirty thousand drunken men with no women in sight. Yes, it works.
In American sports, when a player goes down, it usually means a serious condition. In football, these male drama queens look dead and then miraculously jump when a foul is called against the opposition. What other sport allows and encourages such theatrics? Does the referee get mad when a player fakes an injury and then scores? Did the Europeans read the story “The Boy Who Cried Wolf?” don’t know I used to hand out yellow cards to any sister who went down and cried wolf. How do coaches know an actual injury is occurring? Is there some secret code (“keep your left ankle on the fake, if you need help, keep my ankle”)?
8. Waste space
I think that the design of the stadiums and the football pitches suits the football pitches. Guess how much American football could be played overseas without investing in sports infrastructure? Recolor the lines and let’s play some ball. And in this age of environmental activism, can’t we boycott countries that waste precious land on stupid soccer fields?
9. Culture wars
Football or soccer? Too much confusion. If only the football/soccer greats would get together and decide once and for all. Here’s the problem – I think Football is the correct term! But given the attitude of France and Germany during the Iraq war, I for one refrain from this point. This is a source of national pride. Unfortunately, American football is a victim of this ugly culture war, but hey, sacrifices have to be made. As long as American football doesn’t get hurt, they can have their bloody football!
10. Americans hate football
We Americans can’t just play football. We are a nation of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), so what else do we expect? We need action, women and points. Boredom in football is a constant bane of a beautiful sport. So when does football season start?
(C) Copyright 2008 Robert J. Leitner
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