What Is The Role Of A Safety In Football Recreating Family Dynamics in Adulthood

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Recreating Family Dynamics in Adulthood

A person carries everything he experiences in childhood with him into adulthood, and often subconsciously restores or recreates these dynamics in school, at work, in clubs and organizations, in his family, and if He is looking for recovery, even in twelve step meetings. Whether these experiences are positive or negative in nature, they are internalized and accepted; and if a person wants to change any feelings, emotions, behaviors and reactions based on them, he must identify, understand, address, process and overcome them. It is unlikely that he can do it himself.

Since parents are not perfect and usually do the best they can based on the circumstances of their upbringing, no home can ever be a perfect environment in which a person is fully prepared for life.

However, Anthony Stevens attempts to describe the ideal home in his book, On Jung (Routledge, 1990, p. 97). “… Maturity occurs through a sequence of innate archetypal expectations that the environment either succeeds or fails to meet,” he says. “The most important of these expectations are that the environment will provide adequate warmth and food for survival; a family consisting of mother, father, and peers; sufficient space to explore and play; safety from enemies and predators; a community to provide language.” , myth, religion, ritual, codes of conduct, stories, values, initiations, and ultimately spouse; and economic role and/or professional status.”

Adult children who grow up with alcoholic, alcoholic, alcoholic, or even abusive parents are unable to fight, escape, or even understand their situations, and usually view any abusive behavior, criticism, blame, or abuse toward them as an act of abuse. justified because of their inadequacy, instability or just their favorite plan. Forced, with no alternative, to flee within themselves and create a traumatized, time-arrested inner child, they stop developing, replace their original face with a false or synthetic brain, and unknowingly adopt survival traits through the rewired brain. because they expect so. situations faced in the outside world.

Some of these traits, developed to survive, endure, tolerate, and adapt to unstable, dangerous, and even dangerous situations during maturation, tools, and brain development, include isolation, fear of parental authority figures, and approval seeking. . , fear of anger and criticism, acceptance of addiction and coercion, presenting oneself as a victim, overdeveloping their sense of responsibility, habituation to fear, pitying instead of loving them, pitying others, repressing childhood feelings to the point of destruction , fear of being abandoned and constantly reactive.

When a grown child finally leaves his homeland, he is not a blank slate to start all over again in the world outside its doors. Rather, he takes with him all his experiences, understandings, emotions, fears, and defenses, and unknowingly, he both anticipates and recreates them as he progresses through life.

One of his “recreations” involves his subconscious need to continue re-enacting one or more of the family roles he adopted during his upbringing.

Becoming a hero, one of them, he rises intellectually and functionally above his pain, transforming himself into what rehabilitation expert John Bradshaw has called “a man who works against man.” As an overachiever, he can get good grades in school, join extracurricular clubs, captain the soccer team, and win awards.

According to the textbook Children of Alcoholic Adults (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 98) “A hero child from a dysfunctional family may try to get good grades.” “This is an honor student who shows the world that his family values ​​education and is therefore stable.”

But what it really is is the equivalent of a perfect family portrait where everyone is wearing suits, nice clothes and smiling, but it’s deceiving thoughts and covering up ideas and the madness and chaos that can play out behind closed doors. to cover

Other family roles are the mascot or the child who constantly tries to relieve stress with jokes and humor, and the lost child who feels that his environment is not safe and therefore withdraws into the background, does not express his opinion and diminishes himself. to little more than a shadow dancing on the walls. She retreats indoors, daydreams in her room, escapes her harsh reality through books and movies, and detaches herself from her situation. Tossing and turning, he may wonder if his image in the mirror is actually what he’s been through.

The scapegoat, the fourth type, is the child who takes all the blame, anger, responsibility, and shame, whether or not he had a hand in the situation.

“Such survival patterns tend to lead difficult lives and remain in our personalities long after we leave our unhealthy homes…” according to the textbook Children of Alcoholic Adults (ibid., p. 98). “(Older kids) can look back at their families and see the patterns decades after they’ve grown up and left the family.”

For example, a hero can take on an increasing number of responsibilities at work and not even be compensated for them – and, unfortunately, he deserves this task. Mascot can only understand humor as a way to deal with tension and difficulty because he has been unable to acquire any other tool with which to do so. A lost child can calmly and dispassionately do his job at work, never expecting to be anything more than what his entry-level title suggests, and not even being recognized by name by a few of his co-workers. And the goat, who got the hair trigger, can immediately take responsibility for everything that is wrong or completely lost – so he is used to this attitude.

When preparing for a surprise birthday party for one of the women in my office, for example, this family dynamic resonated vividly. While many people were setting up plates, putting candles on the cake, and wrapping presents, an employee, who I recognized as an older child, asked various things while wrapping his own present.

– Do you have any tape? she asked. “Where are the scissors? Is this the only tape we have?”

Every time the tension inside him seemed to increase.

“Do you have a bow so I can wrap this present for NADIA’s stupid birthday?” she finally shouted.

The others looked at her in disbelief, wondering how a seemingly pleasant event could be met with such emotional turmoil.

I looked at him and calmly said, “It’s good that you can join us for the party, Mr. Smith.

I knew she was doing what her father always did at home, “bringing” her to work. Parties were not fun moments for him. Instead, they were entwined with the chaos and tension created by her alcoholic parents, and all she knew was that she re-examined the circumstances of her upbringing.

“By working through the steps, the older child learns that family roles are necessary to protect the home from danger,” advises the textbook Children of Alcoholic Adults (ibid., p. 97). “We often feared for our safety and assumed roles to disarm our parents.”

In fact, an older child’s workplace represents a microcosm of his or her homeland. Unrecovered, he carries this dynamic with him. Once again helpless and trying to define his role, task and purpose within it, he may consider his boss as an authoritative parental figure, fear him, but try to cover up this fact. He can re-enact all kinds of survival traits and family roles, from people to overachievers.

The Laundry List of Children of Alcoholic Adults in the Workplace, which includes ten more traits than the fourteen laundry lists, details this educational phenomenon.

“The Workplace Laundry List is a list of 24 statements that describe many of our thoughts and interactions in the workplace…” according to the Children of Alcoholic Adults textbook (ibid., pp. 416-417). “(It) shows how we can try to recreate our dysfunctional family roles at work or in some social setting.”

It is wide-ranging and includes, to name just a few, perceiving a boss as an alcoholic parent and a co-worker as a brother, feeling different from others, not being able to ask for help or guidance, fear of criticism, needing approval from others. , striving for perfection, becoming a workaholic, having a high tolerance for imperfections and messiness, and feeling annoyed when others exclude them from after-work tasks and meetings.

Unresolved fears, traumas, mistrusts, and family distortions create walls that the adult child cannot enter or move around without significant recovery, and they serve as barriers between him, others, the larger world, and his Higher Power. understanding Trying to see and understand God can, in fact, be nothing more than trying to see Him through cracked glass.

The textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (ibid., p. 219) notes that “…Many of us have given the characteristics of our parents to God.” “We imagined our abandoned parents to be a higher Power, a God that was vindictive or uncaring. Even if we thought that God was love, many of us secretly wondered if He really cared or listened.”

Twelve step meetings can be the ultimate place where family dynamics are restored. Unaware of their structure, which involves being ruled by a higher authority, the need to work steps and traditions, and the rotation of service posts among those present, the older child may mistakenly conclude that anyone, who first reads and presents the opening. subject, must be an authority figure who is “responsible for all”. He may feel insecure and angry. He may feel a need for control to develop a sense of security. And before he dared to make his first contribution, he rehearsed it in his mind, and afterwards he reprimanded himself when he realized that he could not execute the perfect picture that he had intended. These are all dynamic family vacations.

Whether a person is brought up in an unstable, unstable and inappropriate home and thus can be called an “older child” or comes from a loving and supportive family, he clearly learns something and anticipates the same conditions after leaving it. does Both types will automatically spawn and re-run them at times, and both may not be aware that this dynamic is at play. However, if a person from a more negative environment wants to eradicate these behaviors, they must identify, examine, process, and overcome them through therapy and/or twelve-step processes.

Sources of the article:

“Adult children of alcoholics”. Torrance, CA: World Service Organization, 2006.

Stevens, Anthony. “About Jung”. New York: Routledge, 1990.

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