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A Leadership Secret: Appreciating The Difficult People
For decades, every summer, upon welcoming his scholarship players, the legendary Alabama coach Paul “Bear” Bryant asked: “Have you called your people and thanked them? No one ever gets to this great level in football without help others have not arrived.”
Bryant not only appreciated the importance of other people in shaping a young athlete; he wanted athletes to appreciate it as well. Such appreciation is also a lesson in leadership. No one will be a successful leader unless others want you to be; you need help; and part of your growth as a leader is to acknowledge and express gratitude for that help.
But you have to appreciate not only the people you like and who are around you, but also the people you don’t like: the difficult people in your life, the people you love, your leadership and You will finally give your career a real boost. cause you grief for the right or wrong reasons.
One of the most effective ways to deal with them is to appreciate them. I mean really appreciate them. When you do, you may find that you deal with them in surprisingly effective ways.
The word “gratitude” is derived from the Latin root and means “appreciation of value”. In other words, your appreciation of difficult people should be focused on your true understanding of the value they provide to you and your organization.
You don’t just understand their point of view. You really appreciate it; and you use that appreciation as a tool to achieve more results, more results, than if difficult people had not entered your life. Otherwise, your appreciation, at least as far as leadership is concerned, is a waste of time.
Here’s a four-step process to turn appreciation into results.
(1) Joining together. To get appreciation, know that you have to be a team, you and the person who is difficult to develop it. Remember, you are not trying to make the difficult person appreciate you. You have as little control as others. However, you are in control. So focus on your cultivation. This cultivation only happens in relationship — a collective relationship with another person, not necessarily a personal relationship. In a group relationship, you don’t have to love the other person. You just have to work with them — proactively and sincerely, regardless of personal feelings. And your team’s goal is to get rid of the problems you face with each other in a leadership process that gets results.
(2) Determine. When you’re dealing with a difficult person, you often experience strong emotions. The first thing to do is to find the exact cause of the problem with the help of a person in a face-to-face meeting. Try to remove yourself from your emotional entanglements. “Break down” is what happens when football coaches break down the play of opposing teams studying game film. This sharing is a collaborative process, and it should go like this: First, ask the person to describe the exact times you had a problem with each other. It is important to focus only on the physical evidence of those moments. What were the specific actions and words that triggered the emotion? When a person gives one side of the story, then and only then can you give your side. Only when you both are clear about those moments and agree about what happened can you talk to each other about your feelings related to those moments of physical action.
For example, the person may claim that you are not listening to what they are telling you. Have the person describe the exact moment you weren’t listening. where have you been What was said? More specifically, what impression did that person make?
(3) agree. You and the person need to agree on what is important in terms of your challenges. The gap between what you think is important and what the other person thinks needs to be closed. The test is in closing those results. Does the challenge you face with this person go to the heart of the results you need to achieve?
That person says you are not listening. Do you agree? Is that person’s perception important? Until you agree on whether or not you were listening and its importance, you will continue to have problems. This means that you cannot move to the next and most important step.
(4) Conversion. Turn the specification into a process of results, a process that leads to increased results. Without such a process, the previous steps are useless. For example, let’s say you both agree that you need to be more careful when you speak. Then you can develop a “listening process”. Such a process may include the use of “continuators”. It’s a process that’s taught in medical schools to make strong doctors empathize with their patients. When communicating with patients, doctors are taught to say “uh” three times when the other person speaks before speaking.
Of course, “continuators” are just one of the many listening processes you can use. And clearly, “not listening” is one of the many problems with the people you lead. No matter what problem you face with people, what process you come up with, the process should achieve a definite increase in results – more results than if you didn’t use the process.
As for the “not listening” example: You can choose something actionable from what was said, which can lead to increased results. I worked with a manager who did this. Several of the people he led accused him of neglect, and because of that, those people were insulting his leadership. Everyone sat around the conference table and went through this four step process. They develop a process of active and regular listening to each other and come to an agreement on what was said and heard. They then selected actionable details that emerged from their interactions. They have made sure that they follow these specifications in order to achieve solid and measurable results.
Like the poor, the people who make us difficult will always be with us. No matter how experienced and successful you are as a leader, difficult people will always line up at your door, wanting to enter your life. Moreover, there are probably many within their own doors who are trying to cut you down, ruin your plans, and tarnish your reputation.
Instead of confronting them or avoiding them, try to appreciate them. When you use this process, you may find that they are assets rather than liabilities.
2006 © The Filson Leadership Group, Inc. All rights reserved.
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